Lando's Loopy Logic

The Office - "The Shadow"

2009-01-17T17:52:00.003-05:00

TEASER

int. conference room

The entire staff is seated in the dark watching a movie.

Pam is sitting next to Jim, his arm around her, and, surprisingly, Angela is sitting next to Pam. Up front, Dwight and Andy sit next to each other. Angela is staring at both of them looking heartbroken... She pulls out a handkerchief and begins to dab her eyes. She looks down and sucks up a few sobs.

She then grabs hold of Pam’s arm and lays her head on Pam’s shoulder, which is right where Jim’s hand is laying. He feels it, cocks an eyebrow, and slowly glances at Pam.

She’s glaring at him, very aware of the situation...

pam (vo)

I give up.

pam talking head

pam

There is something wrong, fundamentally wrong with that woman! She hates everyone, is holier-than-thou yet cheats on her fiancé, and now out of everyone in the office she comes to me for support and up until Andy found out about her affair, I was still just the office hussy! –To her, I mean! Because she thinks... and no one else thinks I’m a... Oh forget it!

int. conference room

Same.

Dwight offers Andy some popcorn; Andy has some. Trying to return the favor, Andy offers Dwight a sip of his drink. Dwight takes it, removes Andy’s straw, and takes a big gulp straight from the bottle. Andy stares, unblinkingly annoyed.

DAVID WALLACE enters:

david

Afternoon DM Scranton--

He stops when he sees the movie.

david

Michael, what are you doing?

Michael looks up, caught... David waits.

michael

(finally)

Movie Monday...?

david

Is this that thing Jan once told me about? Didn’t she specifically tell you not to--?

michael

Yeah, but you fired her, so...

david

Michael, you can’t just...

(suddenly takes a closer look at the movie)

Michael... is this ‘Frost/Nixon’?

Michael glances at the camera.

michael talking head

michael

I have discovered, through the World Wide Web, that you can pretty well find and download any movie you could ever possibly want. Even the ones still in theatres! And it’s all free! And since the Internet is a free market, it’s all completely legal.

int. conference room

Same.

david

Michael, this is highly illegal.

Michael glances at the camera with confidence – he obviously believes David is wrong.

david (cont’d)

And you can’t just have your employees sit around for two hours and...

David glances at the TV.

david (cont’d)

If you want your branch to continue to succeed, you just cannot...

He does it again... and this time falls silent as he continues to watch the movie – slowly being immersed...

Beat.

david

That’s Frank Langella, right?

Michael offers David the empty seat next to him. David takes it.

Beat.

Michael offers David some popcorn. David takes some.

david

Thanks--

dwight

Shhhh!

andy

Keep it down, man!

END OF teaser

ACT ONE

int. office, Stanley’s Desk

Stanley is working, staring at his computer. As if feeling watched, his eyes glance to his side where we reveal...

A young, black teenage boy. He’s sitting next to Stanley, staring at him.

His name is...

stanley talking head

stanley

Shawn, his name is Shawn! My daughter’s boyfriend whose deadbeat father apparently doesn’t have a job so he can shadow him for a class I’m sure he’s going to fail anyway!

int. office, stanley’s desk

Same.

Stanley turns grudgingly back to his computer. Shawn just stares, eventually glancing up at the camera.

shawn talking head

shawn

Mr. Stan’s a really nice guy. He let me job shadow him for the day. He uh... I’m just glad for the opportunity.

Pull back to reveal Stanley sitting next to him, arms crossed, eyes glaring.

stanley

It’s not ‘Mr. Stan’ boy, it’s Mr. Hudson.

Shawn’s eyes widen – he’s terrified to even look in Stanley’s direction; he never looks away from the camera.

shawn

Mr. Hudson.

int. office, pam’s desk

Angela walks up.

angela

Hey.

Pam looks up; we see instantly on her face that she isn’t happy.

pam

Hi, Angela.

Awkward beat.

pam

Yes--

angela

Would like to maybe go get some lunch?

pam

Oh... I’m sorry; Jim and I had plans--

angela

Oh--

pam

It’s just--

angela

No, no, I get it.

pam

Thanks.

angela

I can take care of it.

Pam

What--

Angela walks directly to Jim’s desk:

angela

Jim, would you mind if Pam and I spent lunch together today?

Jim catches Pam’s negative glare.

jim

Umm, well we already made lunch reservations...

angela

You made reservations for lunch?

jim

It’s a really nice place.

angela

Well you can still go.

Angela looks around hopefully... finally looks at Dwight, who doesn’t even notice her presence.

angela

You and Dwight could probably do some catching up.

jim

Umm--

But Angela is already gone, back to Pam.

Angela

There, settled. Noon, then?

Pam stares.

pam

(hopeless)

Sure...

Angela walks away. Pam and Jim glance at each other, both annoyed with themselves.

Jim turns to Dwight.

jim

Dwight, looks like we have some catching up to do.

Dwight looks up, confused.

dwight

I beg your pardon?

Jim sighs.

dwight talking head

dwight

What? Oh, I’m sorry, but Angela Martin, aka Dunder Mifflin Scranton’s Last Cylon, is currently being shunned.

int. office

PUSH IN to Michael’s office where we see that David is looking back out, observing.

int. michael’s office

david

I just don’t get it, Michael. It doesn’t seem like your people are doing anything much different than the other branches.

Michael, at his desk, glances proudly at the camera.

michael

Well, it’s what’s on the inside that counts.

David obviously tries to ignore that, but continues to observe.

david talking head

david

I have to assume Michael is hiding something from me... Some special little thing he does for his employees that allow them to work so sufficiently. I have to assume this... Because the alternative is that Michael is just... just....

int. office

Jim and Dwight are grabbing their coats, preparing to leave.

stanley

(walking up)

Hold on, hold on, you two going out to lunch?

jim

Yeah, Stanley, you need something?

Stanley seems to have put on his ‘happy face.’

stanley

Oh, no, no, just thought you two cats could use another member for your crew.

jim

Really...? You’d like to have lunch--

Stanley

Oh, no, not me.

Jim looks over Stanley’s shoulder to see Shawn standing a few feet away.

stanley

I’m sure you boys will have a blast.

Stanley walks away, and as he passes by Shawn his happy face disappears.

Jim, continuing to be more and more annoyed, rolls his eyes at Pam. She returns the gesture. They all exit.

After a moment, Angela walks back up.

angela

Ready?

Pam stares.

MINUTES LATER

Andy walks out of the kitchen towards Dwight’s desk...

andy

Hey, Big D, whats say we go grab some grub at--

Andy finds Dwight’s desk empty. He looks around to see Jim and Pam’s desks empty as well.

andy

Where’d everyone go...?

He looks down at Dwight’s empty desk, and then slowly looks across the office to accounting where he sees Angela’s desk is empty as well... He looks back at Dwight’s desk. We get what he’s thinking.

int. restaurant

The place is extremely fancy; nice, just like Jim said. And there they are – Jim, Dwight, and Shawn – all sitting at a table looking through their menus. Jim is the only one that looks depressed.

shawn

What can I get?

dwight

Anything you want, Halpert’s buying.

jim

Excuse me?

dwight

You invited us, Jim.

Jim glares at Dwight. Dwight continues reading his menu. Jim looks at Shawn who now stares at him concerned.

jim

Go ahead kid, whatever you want.

jim talking head

jim

Know how many sales I made yesterday? Next to absolute zero. Know why? Because I spent the better part of the day making reservations for this place. Know what’s sad? I was fifty percent it was going to end up something like this anyway.

int. diner

Pam and Angela look through their menus.

pam

So... What are you hungry for?

angela

(stern)

When I know, I’ll tell you.

pam

(mumbling)

You’re very indecisive here lately.

Angela glares up at Pam.

int. office, kitchen

Michael, David, and Andy all sit at one of the tables eating pizza.

david

I’ve got to tell you, this pizza is damn near as good as anything I’ve ever had in New York.

michael

Yeah?

david

Very good.

michael

So how are things up there?

David sighs.

david

Well, Michael, honestly, they could be better. If there’s anything at all you’d like to tell me regarding how you run your branch – anything little thing you think helps, it would really help the company right now.

Michael beams.

michael

Well--

Andy

You know what Michael Scott does that really makes the difference? It’s called honesty.

David looks intrigued.

andy

Michael Scott does not know how to tell a lie. Anytime there’s a major problem, no matter how much it is blatantly clear on his face that he doesn’t want anyone to know, he can’t help but tell us all the truth. And yes, maybe it’s not something he wants to do. Maybe it’s not something that will make people happy, but he does it anyway. Michael Scott is not a cheater.

michael

(realizes)

Andy.

andy

Michael Scott will never make commitments he can’t keep – and you know what? Even if every now and then he can’t keep them, it isn’t for a lack of trying, because he tries harder than any two people at this or any other branch combined. And once more, Michael Scott would never, ever, ever agree to marry me only to screw around with some beady-eyed Amish redneck that killed my cat!

Andy stands and leaves. Michael and David sit awkwardly for a moment.

david

Andy’s always been very passionate in his work hasn’t he?

Michael nods half-heartedly, glancing annoyed at the camera.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

int. restaurant

Shawn and Jim sit, finished eating, staring at Dwight as he continues to wolf down his enormous meal.

jim

Is it good, Dwight?

Dwight doesn’t respond. Jim and Shawn continue to stare.

int. diner

Pam and Angela have finished up.

pam

How was yours?

angela

I ate it didn’t I?

pam

You know what, that’s it. What is your deal!?

angela

Excuse me, I have no deal--

pam

Shut up!

Angela glares.

angela

What?

pam

Shut it, just shut up! Maybe that’s what you need. You haven’t had anyone tell you to shut your mouth in a long time I guess so maybe it’s about time someone did.

Angela is dumbstruck.

pam

First you break Dwight’s heart, then you date Andy to get back at him, then you agree to marry Andy, again just to get back at Dwight. Then, lo and behold, you start screwing around with Dwight again, messing with his feelings, and then you inevitably break Andy’s heart, who’s treated you like nothing but gold for the last year. So yes, just stop talking because nothing you say apparently has any meaning anymore.

Angela sits silently, tears beginning to well up. And Pam, having vented, is obviously starting to regret her words.

angela

I’m evil...

pam

What...?

angela

I don’t deserve anybody... and you’re... you’re... you’re right.

Now Pam is dumbstruck.

angela

All I did was hurt them... and neither deserved what I put them through.

pam

Angela...

angela

I’m sor--

pam

Look at me.

Angela does.

pam

The first time I ever kissed Jim was when Roy and I were still engaged.

Angela just stares... Pam nods. Angela looks like she wants to say something, but remains silent.

And for a long while the two women look at each other... finally coming to an understanding.

int. restaurant

Dwight is wiping his mouth with his napkin.

dwight

So, Halpert, how are things going in your neck of the woods?

Jim continues to stare.

jim

Really, Dwight?

dwight

I’m sorry?

jim

Do you not feel bad at all about Andy?

dwight

None of your business.

shawn

What happened?

jim

Tell him, Dwight.

Shawn listens, extremely curious.

dwight

(gives in)

Once upon a time, a former foe of mine by the name of Andrew Bernard took something that was not his to take--

jim

Dwight.

dwight (cont’d)

And as an act of retaliation I took it upon myself--

jim

Dwight slept with Andy’s fiancé and ruined his marriage--

dwight

Some of us believe it was already ruined--

jim

Dwight!

dwight

Oh, what Jim? You’re so perfect. God knows you’ve never ruined a marriage.

Shawn’s eyes widen and turn to Jim.

jim

That’s really nice--

dwight

But look what you got out of it.

Jim stops. Dwight nods.

dwight

Exactly.

The two men continue to glare. Shawn sips his drink.

int. office

Jim, Dwight enter, both looking tense. Shawn follows awkwardly behind.

Andy walks straight up to Dwight:

andy

Are you sleeping with Angela again already!? We had a pact, a signed agreement and it looks to me like you’re already--

jim

Andy--

andy

Not now, Tuna--

jim

Dwight, Shawn and I just got back from lunch.

Andy stops... He looks at Shawn.

shawn

It’s true.

Andy begins to shake his head.

andy

I just... I need...

Andy storms away.

andy

I just need to vent.

ext. conference room

From a distance we see that Andy is on one of his rants, pacing back and forth across the room – getting it all off his chest.

We then PAN OVER to see that, sitting in the room as well is young Shawn, the unfortunate victim of Andy’s rant.

int. office - later

Andy walks out of the conference room looking extremely calm now. He walks to Dwight’s desk.

andy

Dwight, I apologize.

Dwight nods. Andy asks both Jim and Dwight:

andy

So you guys went to lunch? I had pizza what’d you guys have?

Behind them Angela and Pam walk in, neither looking annoyed or angry. Angela sees Andy talking to Dwight – Pam sees her seeing it. Angela puts her head down and makes for her desk.

Pam lets her go, looking sympathetic. As Andy continues to talk to Dwight, Jim stands and walks to Pam.

jim

So how was your lunch?

pam

Could’ve been worse. How about yours?

jim

Could’ve been better.

They kiss.

We pan away to find Shawn leaving the conference room as well and taking his seat next to Stanley.

Stanley cocks an eyebrow at him.

stanley

So, enjoying your day?

shawn

Is it me or are most of the people in this place crazy?

Stanley looks up almost proud. He nods at Shawn.

stanley

You’re alright, kid.

Shawn grins.

later

David and Michael exit Michael’s office:

david

Well, Michael, I’ve had a really enjoyable day I must say.

michael

Well thank you David. Having fun is actually one of my many secrets.

david

Aha, so you do have secrets you’re keeping?

michael

Well...

david

Come on, Michael, give me something.

michael

Ah... It wouldn’t be right.

david

Come on.

michael

I mean, maybe I should get a raise first.

David laughs.

david

I wish, Michael. I really do.

michael

My lips are sealed, then.

David nods.

david

You know, I guess I can go ahead and tell you this, since you mentioned it. Corporate is actually thinking, in light of our current economy, that maybe it would be a good idea to take back everyone’s yearly wage increase.

Michael’s tone drops.

michael

What?

david

I mean that would include mine as well.

michael

You want to take away our raises?

david

Michael, it’s not--

michael

What is it with Corporate?

David says nothing.

michael

I mean first you take away Jan, then you take away my job offer, then Holly, and now you want my raise?

david

Michael--

michael

I mean... does this company really just not like me?

david

Michael...

michael

What?

david

(meaning it)

I’m sorry. I... I really am.

David grabs his coat and begins to put it on.

david

You know, you’re probably right. Taking raises away is a bad idea.

michael

Thank you.

At Pam’s desk, she and Jim are both watching and whispering:

jim

Did Michael really just save our raises?

Pam nods, surprised, not taking her eyes away from Michael and David.

David finishes buttoning his coat and walks back to Michael. He extends his hand:

david

Thank you, Michael.

Michael takes it and they shake.

David turns to exit. He turns back just before he leaves and smiles.

david

So, you’re absolutely sure you don’t want to reveal any more secrets on how you perform so well?

Michael grins, shoots the camera a quick look and then says:

michael

(simply)

That’s what she said.

THE END

More Harlan Coben Adaptations: A Request!

2008-06-12T03:46:00.006-04:00

Okay, so most of your first reactions may be something along the lines of: "Err, Harlan Who?" Hopefully that isn't the case, though -- after all the man seems to top the The New York Times' bestseller list every time he releases a new book, of which he's averaged about a book per year for the last four to five years. He's also one of the best thriller writers in the business today (think Dan Brown but with more relatable, more realistic characters, all placed in situations that constantly force the reader to think, This could be me...).

To date only one of his novels has been adapted into a film:

The French film Ne le dis à personne (which won 4 Césars -- the French equivalent to our Oscars) was adapted from Coben's first stand alone thriller, Tell No One, and is to date, as mentioned, the only adaptation from any of his novels -- he's released seven more since Tell No One, and that's not even including his original seven Myron Bolitar series novels featuring the loveable sports agent/wise-cracking sleuth himself.

But why should Coben's novels be adapted, you may ask? It's simple enough. Coben's novel provide that rare blend of mystery, comedy, and heartfelt drama that mesh so perfectly together that the stories literally fly by and you find yourself finished within a day or two (three, max) -- and what's more, you're actually sad when you're done; sad that you must now leave that world and those characters behind. It's like cake, really. And with each story clocking between 350 to 450 pages, they're really the perfect books to adapt a two-hour (plus or minus) movie to.

Just this past April Coben released his seventh stand-alone (fifteenth altogether) thriller entitled Hold Tight, a story that asks, well, see for yourself:

It's an interesting concept that Coben weaves brilliantly into his suburban every-man tale.

And while every Harlan Coben story features a constant stream of twists and turns that continually forces the reader to throw into question just about everything that's going on, including character motives and plot direction, which novels, you may also ask, would make the best movies? Here's a list of his best novels and why they should be adapted:

Gone for Good - Coben's second stand-alone thriller and what is probably my favorite book by him so far. On his mother's death-bed, Will Klein is told that his brother Ken, believed to be dead, is, in fact, still alive. And so begins Will's skeptical, yet blissfully hopeful search for his lost brother which results in surprisings and soul-shattering consequences. It's a tale about how we humans just cannot put our pasts behind us no matter how better off we'd probably be. The ending to this particular book probably contains Coben's best final reveal to date. It was truly beautiful.

The Innocent - Matt Hunter was just another undergrad student until he attended a frat party with a friend one night... and accidentally became a murderer when trying to break up a fight. Years after serving a four year prison sentence that tore his family apart, Matt still struggles to keep his life in balance -- all too familiar with how easy things can slip away in an instant. But then one day he receives a video message on his phone that threatens to bring his new life crashing to the ground all over again. Next to Myron Bolitar, Matt Hunter is definitely my favorite character from Mr. Coben because what makes us sympathize with Hunter isn't that he went to prison for something that really wasn't his fault, but because he never once believes himself to be completely innocent and constantly looks back and questions his actions on that fateful night.

From here, it's a toss-up between The Woods and Hold Tight. The Woods, a story ultimately about the things in our past that we try to bury and keep hidden, definitely contained a darker tone than Coben's previous outings but Hold Tight poses the timeless question of whether or not it's okay for parents to spy on their children. Gun to my head, I'd choose The Woods if for no other reason than because Hold Tight contained a little too much teen drama than one may care for in an adult thriller.

But really, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if all of Coben's book eventually get adapted, especially his Bolitar books -- books that I've actually found myself laughing out loud to (a rarity). So come on Hollywood, give Mr. Coben his due, you shan't be sorry:

Articulate!

Spoof Movie, or: Are you there Stroke Of Genius, it's us, Jason and Aaron?

2008-06-08T01:50:00.007-04:00

Now, I realize upon writing this that I could actually just be inadvertently giving Mr. Jason Friedberg and Mr. Aaron Seltzer usable material (as far as they're concerned) for their next big comedy extravaganza... er, at least the next one after they're finished with their newest feature.

That's right, the minds behind what could be the worst comedies ever made are at it again. And I guess trying to point out to these two "filmmakers" that the disaster genre has actually already been spoofed almost thirty years ago (*cough* Airplane! *cough*) would be useless.

But how did it all ever get so wrong?

For all it's silliness, Scary Movie was still a pretty solid spoof film. It did what Friedberg/Seltzer have yet to pull off again: weaving all the clichés and gimmicks of classic and non-classic horror movies alike into an entertaining romp that actually almost seemed to care about the characters and story it was telling. But then I'm probably giving these guys a little too much credit. After all, they were only co-writers to that film and it wouldn't be too far-fetched to imagine that most of what they wrote more than likely wound up on the cutting-room floor.

Here's a little food for thought (and feel free to comment with your own opinions): everything that Friedberg/Seltzer and the Wayans Bros. have done since their respective runs with Scary Movie have all sucked. Every bit of it. Friedberg/Seltzer have had their turkeys, sure, but White Chicks? Little Man? Really? Perhaps it's time these guys all team up again and try to make something that it isn't pure, unfiltered crap? Hell, even something that borders mediocre could almost be redeeming for all of these guys. But probably not.

But it's not just Friedberg/Seltzer that should be criticized. Indeed, it is every person who has ever paid money to watch, buy, or rent one of their films that should receive blame for allowing more of their crap-fests to be made. Sure, I could see how one could be fooled into watching Date Movie, a film released, if I remember correctly, with a tag of something along the lines of: "From two of the writers of Scary Movie." Up until that point, the Scary Movie franchise was still somewhat respectable and no one really knew who these two guys were. And how could you really say 'no' to Alyson Hannigan (it's Willow for chrissake!)? But after that film, and the revelation of what bad "filmmakers" these guys are, anyone who went to see Epic Movie or Meet the Spartans should be punished and criticized just as much as Friedberg/Seltzer themselves. It's these people who allow the films to take in money and, moreover, allow the films to turn a profit, i.e., earning back more than what it cost to make and produce them. When this happens, and film execs. see that they can actually make money off of these two dudes, of course they're going to exploit it! I mean really, it's what they're supposed to do.

What really doesn't make sense is how these two guys still don't seem to receive their due in criticisms, and believe me these guys are on par with the likings of Uwe Boll IMO, but with less than half the criticism (and maybe less than that).

How do I know these guys aren't getting their due? Simple. Neither of them are aware of how badly most of the population thinks of them. At least Uwe Boll has come to understand how much video-game fans hate his guts but these guys just don't get it. And really, how could they? Sure, their movies always get panned by critics, but they always make money, too. Based on the films they've made, it can be inferred that they have a pretty simple logic and if they were to apply their borderline MR minds to whether a movie is good or bad, it'd probably go something like this: Movie Make Money = Movie Be Good.

Maybe one day Friedbarg/Seltzer will come across another Scary Movie-esque stroke of genius (if they ever did to begin with, of course) but until then, as an open request from myself to them (just in case they aren't aware):

You guys are not funny. You never were. The only thing you've ever contributed to the film industry are images of Carmen Electra in skimpy outfits (and unless you plan on directing her in porn one day, even that trick is now outdated). Your jokes aren't clever in any possible way, except by being on yourselves. Stop making crap -- you're a one-trick pony that really never had a real trick to begin with. If I wanted to be beaten over the head with non-amusing pop-culture references, I'd hang out at my old elementary school playground -- and that's saying something because that school is located in a very small, Bible-belt town in southern Georgia!

I haven't even seen this movie and can tell you what the best part is!

But, if you do see fit to continue on your pale horse through the film industry, destroying everything that was ever good about spoofs, comedy, and entertainment in general, then perhaps I can help out with a few titles for potential future films:

Sports Movie
Western Movie
Action Movie
Documentary, the Movie
~~Superhero Movie~~
Meet the Epic Date Movie
Religious Movie
Sci-Fi Movie
3D Animation Movie (or Pixar Movie, pending copyright)
Film Movie

And, of course, Spoof Movie.

You're welcome.